I’m taking part in #Blogtober16 as a way to encourage my writing juices to flow. The aim is to post a piece each day based on a given title. The first of these is ‘Who Are You?’, which I thought would be a good place to start given the sparkly new-ness of my blog. I can’t promise I’ll manage to do every day because, life, but I’ll give it my best shot!
So, who am I? That’s a bloody good question. At this moment in time, I’m not really sure. I feel somewhat identity-less at the moment. Whenever I fill in a bio, I usually put “mother of two and playworker…”, only, if you’ve read my first post here, you’ll know that I’ve just given up my job. So I can’t even say that now. And is that really who I am? It’s what I do and yes, I am a mother, but surely there’s more to me than that, even without a job?
As well as a mother, I am a wife (not the best one at the moment, but I’m working on it!); a daughter, forever indebted to my parents for all of the practical help, support and advice they generously give; a sister, although I don’t see my brother as much as I’d like; a friend, although I’m not really very good at that thanks to social anxiety. It’s on my ‘must try harder’ list along with wifey duties.
I am approaching a milestone birthday and I’m not sure how I feel about that. It makes me a bit old. But in my head, I’m still about 18. Life sort of went a bit wonky in my late teens, which is something I may go into another time. Or not. It’s still painful. I don’t feel almost middle-aged. I see other women – colleagues, mums at school, friends, and they seem so mature and responsible, and then I remember that I’m supposed to be that too! Or I see other women – colleagues, mums at school, friends, who are in their 20s and I realise I’m probably old enough to be their mum and I want to cry. I see their photos on Facebook of nights out and boyfriends and girls-only holidays in the sun and I feel that all that passed me by in a blur and I want to live it all again through them. And then I don’t, because I’m tired and I’d never have the energy.
I am a dreamer. There are so many things I’d love to do with my life, places I’d like to see, but I know, realistically, it won’t happen. I know, if you really put your mind to something…blah, blah. But life happens, doesn’t it? I have a family. Two children, one of which has special needs. I’d love to up and move to the coast, or go on a year-long road trip around Europe, or become a photographer or write books. It’s just so hard to find the time when everyday life is happening and your days consist of routines for others and there’s little time for yourself. Not that I don’t love being a mother – I really do. My children bring me so much joy every day. Well, mostly. Big can be a pain in the arse lately and Small is sometimes hard work, but I love them with every fibre of my being. So, for now, the dreams are on hold and I am embracing my new ‘career’ as stay-at-home mum with gusto.