I’ve done it. I have finally taken the plunge and become a ‘stay at home mum’, ‘housewife’, ‘homemaker’ or whatever we’re called these days. I’m not just lazy – my main motivation is to be around more for my daughter, who is autistic, as well as my son. I’ve worked all of my adult life, except for two maternity leaves and I thought I’d feel elated, when, actually, I feel a teeny bit scared.
I’m not gonna lie, the thought of no work responsibilities is very appealing, as is having endless days to do what I want, when I want. Within reason. Breakfast, lunch and coffee dates (but I don’t drink coffee, so it’s tea all the way), (window) shopping, cinema trips, walks in the park with my camera for company… Yeah, yeah, I know, it’ll never happen! But it would be nice, wouldn’t it?
What I envisage actually happening is this:
Drop kids at school.
Go to supermarket for bread and milk.
Spend £78 on stuff I didn’t go for.
Go home, put shopping away, make a ‘quick cuppa’.
Sit down with ‘quick cuppa’ whilst watching ‘The Wright Stuff’ (I was a phone-in once you know? And I’ve had a tweet read out.).
Not move for approximately three hours as ‘This Morning’ starts at 10.30 and it’s always good to watch Holly and Phil get the dirty giggles over something or other, or just get pissed on daytime telly.
Realise I haven’t eaten and make a big dirty sandwich, with crisps, because a the salad or smoothie I planned to have (and bought all the ingredients for in the supermarket) just isn’t as appealing when starving. Finish with one of the doughnuts/cakes/chocolate biscuits I also bought ‘for the kids’ in the supermarket. And another cuppa.
Have every intention of running the vacuum round the living room/cleaning the bathroom/kitchen but noticing it’s time to get Small from Nursery and running out of the door, promising I’ll do it when I get back.
Get home, change Small’s nappy, play with her for a while until she’s bored of me (about five minutes). Can’t vacuum now anyway as she’s petrified of it. Can’t clean bathroom as she’ll wreck the living room as soon as my back is turned. Oh well, another cuppa it is. With a biscuit. Because Small asked for one, and it’s nice to dine in company.
Watch Judge Rinder.
Pop to the supermarket as I realise I forgot the bread I went in for this morning. Spend another £26.
Collect Big from school.
Get back, empty bags/lunchboxes. Eeeuw.
Start cooking the tea, whilst simultaneously shouting at the kids to leave each other alone/get off the computer/no you can’t have more Waybuloo, Mommy’s trying to cook.
Eat tea. Get stressed at Small’s refusal to eat tea. Cook second tea.
Wash up. Shout at kids some more.
Baths and bedtime routine for Small, including ‘jamas on… where’s my milk?… Where’s my ipad?…. Time to go to bed?’ Read Small the same bloody story we read every sodding night (Peppa’s First Sleepover, if you’re interested).
Argue with Big about bedtimes, getting off the computer, reasons for not taking the ipad to bed, why he needs to record his reading in his record book, why he needs to shower more often… Send him to bed in a mood.
Tidy up debris resulting from the toy tsunami that occurred while I was cooking the tea earlier.
Check school bags ready for the morning.
Aaaaaand…. relax! Fall asleep approximately 39 minutes later whilst watching DIY SOS or some-such.
Hmmm, not much different to now then, other than not having to squeeze a morning’s work in too. I have dreams of my current, hovel-like home becoming a pristine, gleaming show home. How, I don’t know, as I don’t enjoy cleaning and am firmly in the ‘a bit of dirt is good for them’ camp, which is a good job really. We have far too much stuff for a show home anyway, and nowhere to keep it. And I am a hoarder. I have every intention of doing some online courses – I’ve actually enrolled on one today. I’m brilliant at enrolling on them and never completing them. I want to write more – blogs, and I’ve always dreamed of writing a book. But that’s all in the future. First I’ve just got to settle into my new routine of having no real routine.
I’ll just pop the kettle on….